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Living together: Craze orcrazy? Blessing or cursing?

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Living together: Craze or crazy?
Blessing or cursing?

The trend towards “living together” outside the context of marriage is increasing at an unprecedented rate . Statistics indicate that 7 million people are ‘living together' in America . We can only guess at the figures in South Africa and also in the church? “ What was once a shameful practice and hidden practice is now widely accepted” (Jones & Jones 1994. How & When to tell your kids about sex). Is “living together” “cohabiting”, “shacking up”, “trial marriage” a craze or is it crazy? Can you expect God's blessing or are you inviting a curse upon your relationship? The term “trial marriage” in itself is an oxymoron, a contradiction, a misstatement because a trial denotes experimentation, a test. Marriage on the other is a Holy covenant between two people where there is total commitment for life.

Four myths related to ‘living together'

“Because we love each other. What is the big deal about a piece of paper ?” This is exactly the reason you do not cohabit with another person. Because you love them! Because you love them you will not hurt, exploit or cause them to sin. You will not have sex with them outside of marriage. ‘Love does not seek its own' (1 Corinthians 13:5). Written into “living together” relationships is the spoken-or more often the unspoken-understanding that if things get too rough, you can simply split, with no strings attached. However, the result is mostly hurt, guilt, regret and a wasted life.

“We are going to get married. We first have to sort things out, our finances, finish our studies ” . This is not preparation for marriage, but divorce preparation, setting oneself up for rejection, heartache and pain. Research indicates that only 55% of those who co habit, get married. Do these marriages last? “Study after scientific study over the last fifteen years has shown that cohabitating actually increases one's future chances of getting divorced, and also decreases the stability and satisfaction of one's marriage”(Balakrishan et al in Jones & Jones 1993:246) Research also shows that if you did live together you are more than four times likely to be abused, rejected, become depressed.

“It increases intimacy”. “We can see if we are compatible”. “Living together” does the opposite. When the sexual relationship becomes the focus of the relationship, other important non-sexual aspects diminish. Poor character traits, personality flaws and other problems are overlooked. The clouds, the cracks are avoided. Shortly after marriage there is disillusioned: “I thought I knew this person” Intimacy is developed through communication, not sex. Jones and Jones (1994:246) hypothesize that “sexual union and loving commitment together are meant to naturally build on each other in marriage to create greater love and loyalty. But in cohabitation the opposite takes place- the couple is engaging in sexual union while they work actively to forestall their commitment. In essence, they engage in an act of union physically while training their hearts not to be united or committed”. In addition, after a few years of marriage one or both spouses lose interest in the sexual relationship.

“Because we want to have a marriage” Statistics show a “living together” relationship is a deadly, destructive relationship and destroys futures. If a couple experiment this way, what stops them, once they decide that they are not meant for each other, from moving on and experimenting with someone else? Statistics indicate that 90% of all men and 90% of all women that did not cohabit are faithful to their marriage vows. Of those men who cohabited, 43% were faithful. Of the women, 60% were faithful. Pre-marital increases the likelihood of unfaithfulness in marriage. Others argue that people who choose to cohabit probably believe less strongly in the importance of marriage in the first place and hence are more likely to divorce.

What does God say? 1 Corinthians 6. Verse 15 ‘Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Christians represent Christ. As representatives, ambassador's of Christ how can we be in non-marital sexual relationships?

Verse 16 says: “ or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two” He says, shall become “one flesh”. Paul emphasizes the oneness that sexual intimacy creates. Sex makes two people one whether they are married to each other or not, whether they want it to or not. Sex and oneness cannot be separated. God ordained for the “one flesh” relationship to be reserved for marriage only.

Verse 18 states: “Flee sexual immorality”. Sex outside of marriage is sin in God's sight. God says flee, run from it “Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body”. There is no sin that is more “acceptable” to God, but because sexual sin is a sin not only against God, but against our very own bodies, its consequences are devastating to us in a way that those of other sins may not be.

Verse 19 continues: “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own ” Jesus lives in us. We glorify and exalt Him through our bodies. When He is Lord, He owns our bodies.

Sex is God's symbol of permanent love and if we abuse and cheapen it, we will reap the bitter fruits. His commands are there to protect us against heartache and pain. God has a plan for marriage, for life, for sex. We can get in on that plan and be blessed or we can stick to our irrational thinking and the world's way of thinking. Unfortunately we will and do pay the price. If you are co-habiting, move out! If you are cohabiting let Christ move in! If your partner is unwilling to go God's way, break off the relationship quickly. The longer this decision is postponed, the more time you give the enemy and your own fleshly nature to talk you out of it. Then move on! Then you will be glorifying God and will receive His blessing. (Source : Dr. Ed Young TBN broadcast 2 October 2004).